My Child Says Daddy Too

©1995 Black Child Magazine

By Gabe Groz

Earlier this week, Newsweek published a cover story titled, " A World Without Fathers." On the cover of that issue was the hopeless picture of a young black boy. Never before had Newsweek feature on its cover a black youth (in a positive light). However, it prominently featured one on the cover of an issue about "deadbeat" fathers. The underlying message to America was the all black fathers are neglectful and disinterested in the welfare of their children. Reginald Brass, an African American man, begs to differ with that "deadbeat" stereotype attributed to the most single black males. In 1991, Brass, a former bodyguard to several Hollywood celebrities, founded "My Child Says Daddy," a Southside parenting organization in Los Angeles committed to building better families in the African American community. With an emphasis on getting black fathersóteenage, divorced and unwed fathersómore actively involved in the rearing of their children, Brass is committed to create positive changes.

Brass insists that "My Child Says Daddy" was not started to pit fathers against mothers, but rather to help fathers and mothers work together amicably. Brass says that the day hi married his African American wife was the dippiest day in his life. "She was my best friend, my soul mate." And as her "belly" began to swell and show signs of life, Brass grew more in love with her. However, as with 50% of all marriages in the U.S., the fairy tale ended and the woman Brass had chosen to spend the rest of his life with and the mother of his child became his worst enemy, and biggest nightmare. The divorce process was like death, says Brass.

"But I didn't have time to mourn because the custody battle was just beginning. My ex-wife had no intention of allowing me the right to share in the upbringing of our son. Since I was out of her life, she wanted me out of his as well. I love my child, and I refused to let my differences with his mother keep us apart. I am an African American man concerned about the welfare of my child," says Brass.

"My son probably says mommy all day long, but it's important to me that my child say daddy too. So, in an effort to remain a part of his life, the organization, My Child Says Daddy was born. The bottom line, says Brass is "healthier, happier children." On that we all can agree.

Black Child: How important is the father in the family?

Brass: The father is as important as the mother. Biologically, you can't have a child without a mother and father. A psychologically, the father is needed for the complete development of the child.

BC: What's a "deadbeat" father?

Brass: One who has chosen not to participate in his child's life. He doesn't want to be a responsible partner in his child's upbringing and he especially doesn't want to pay child support. A "deadbeat" father doesn't care about his child's welfare. On the other hand, an absentee father may care about his child, but he is easily frustrated by the court system, so he walks out on the system and his child.

BC: Do these absentee fathers "walk out" because their own fathers were not a part of their lives?

Brass: That may be true, but it is also true that many of these fathers try to be a part of their child's life especially because their own fathers weren't around. But, in most cases, the courts make it difficult for single or divorced fathers to actively participate in the upbringing of their children.

BC: What are the rights of the father in a custody case?

Brass: Fathers must share the responsibility of raising their children. But the counts usually favor the rights of the mother. During this time, many mothers are angry with the fathers and use the children to get back at them. Some even falsely accuse the fathers of abuse or neglect. These women don't want their children's fathers to be part of their lives.

BC: What can be done, in general, to improve parenting skills among fathers (prior, during and after the breakup of a relationship?)

Brass: It should start with parenting and family planning classesóas early as possibleóbefore sexual activity begins, in middle or junior high school.

What' more, children need to learn the importance of marriage versus having children born out-of-wedlock. More than half of all black children are born out-of-wedlock. And the divorce rate has tripled in the past 30 past ears.

Men and women need to work together, especially after we break with one another. We must also work harder at staying together. It's in the best interest of the children to have both parents around.

BC: Is that why you started "My Child Says Daddy?"

RB: I started it because I went through a bitter divorce and discovered that the courts and attorneys are not working in the best interest of the children. Most fathers want to be an influential part of their children's lives even after the breakup of their relationships.

My Child Says Daddy is a national parenting organization providing parents with solutions to legal and emotional problems. We emotionally support parents throughout the process and afterward. We offer members guidance and direction about how to work effectively with the system so that they can get what they want, so that their children can get what they want, so that their children can benefit. Mothers also use our servicesó30% of our members are women. Mothers are looking for information on raising their teenage boys. They want them to grow up to be good fathers.

BC: Is it because of absentee fathers that many young males grow up to have difficulties with their esteem and parenting responsibilities?

RB: You can't blame fathers entirely. Mothers are the primary caretakers of our young boys. What are their attitudes about men? Often angry mothers refuse the fathers the right to parent their children. It is her childóexcept when she needs money, and then it's our child.

Contrary to popular belief, most fathers want to take care of their children, both financially and emotionally. Many fathers are as good as parents as mothers. And for those fathers who don't take care of their children, it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to take care of them. It may be that they don't know how. Nobody taught them how.

BC: Exactly. Most absentee fathers had no male role models while growing up. No one is born a parent. Parenting is learned by example. And fathers teach young boys how to be men and how to be fathers. How optimistic are you about the future of fatherhood in America.

RB: Very optimistic. Slowly, but surely, more fathers are fighting for the right to be apart of their children's lives. Perhaps that will lead to healthier, happier kids. But fathers and mothers must work together to help save our children. Ironically, when a child "screws up," it's the father's fault. Society blames the father. However, when a child succeeds, society applauds the mother. We are both responsible for how our children turn out.

Money is not the key to our children's success. Alimony and child support do not teach morals, values, or standards. Many of our children grow up in poverty. In the 40s, 50s and 60s, black folks didn't have much money back then either, but our families stuck together and we were rich in spirit. Today, we have more resources, more opportunities, but yet there are more black men in prison than in college. Who's to blame for that? Fathers? Mothers? We're both to blame.

Today, it's too easy to get a divorce and there are entirely too many children being born out-of-wedlock. It's trendyókids having kids. Sadly, these kids are looking for love in all the wrong places. But that's our job. We're supposed to love our children. We must also educate our children, not only for the betterment of our communities but for the country and ourselves. If we fail, our children fail. And if our children fail, society fails.

We must teach our daughters to respect themselves. Mothers can't talk bad about black men and expect their sons to grow up with positive self-images of manhood. We should encourage our children to wait to have sex before marriage, too. Why do teachers have to educate our children about parenting and sex in school? Because our children aren't learning about it at home. We are failing to prepare our children and they become frustrated and angry.

We must look in the mirror. we have nobody but ourselves to blame, both men and women, fathers and mothers. Today, many of our children are in crisis because of lack of guidance. We must work together to make a difference in our children's lives. We must fight less, and communicate more. And we must always put our children first.

Reginald Brass is a living example of an African American man who wants to share in the responsibility of parenting his child. He'll even fight for the legal right to do so. When his wife walked out on him she ask for sole custody of their young son. She even accused Brass of child abuse. Nonetheless, a judge granted him joint legal custody. But he still had to fight for his visitation rights.

Many fathers simply give up when faced with the legal and emotional hassles involved in custody battles, but not Brass. Brass is no exception to the rule, however. He insists hat there are many black men out there who want to be active fathers. He says he works with them everyday.