A New Fatherhood

©1994 The Los Angeles Times

Single Dads Who Want to Be Daily Dads Are Finding Friends In and Out of Court

By Lynn Smith

Time Staff Writer

Two years ago, a judge told state Sen. Charles Calderon that if he truly wanted to care for his young sons half the time, he would have to prove that he could handle the extra work. Calderon ultimately gained joint custody, but he said the effort cost him $90,000 and produced "immeasurable emotional costs" for himself, his ex-wife and their children. The processes, he said, "was like death."

Like many divorced and unwed fathers, Calderon (Whittier contends that government has favored mothers for decades—at everyone’s expense. Rather than deadbeats who can’t be trusted, these fathers say they are sincere men who truly want to be involved in daily parenting but are often pushed out by mothers and the officials who back them.

Now they say their voices are being heard. Leaders of diverse grass-roots groups that have worked for years to change public attitudes say they are finally starting to win sympathy from government leaders who see fatherless ness as a major social problem; from the courts, which are awarding more custody to fathers, and form some feminists, who see more and better father involvement as a boon to working women.

"Men are beginning to try and express themselves, something they’ve never done before," Calderon said. "You usually hear horror stories from women. Now you hear horror stories from men. … It’s like the real estate market. We’re socially correcting ourselves. And not for the worse."

Already, a federal welfare reform commission has recommended that millions of dollars be spent on programs that go beyond punishing deadbeats—to identify fathers, give them job training and parenting classes, and provide paying fathers with better access to their children. A new 15-member Jacqueline Kennedy, an unwed mother from Los Angeles, said she prefers personal involvement to child support from her child’s father.

"He calls. He sends cards. He’s an excellent father," said Kennedy, who supports her family with her job as a child-care worker. "You don’t have to be together to raise a child. Women need to get off Aid to Families With Dependent Children and stop thinking about fathers paying child support. What makes good father is whether he gets involved.