My Child Says Daddy

©1998 Black Elegance Magazine

As Told to Michael George

After a bitter divorce and ugly court battles, Reggie Brass formed an organization to help fathers become involved parents.

Quite often when talking about the decay of the African-American family, fathers are the focal point and find themselves cast in a less than positive light. Abusive, absent, imprisoned or unwed, black fathers, even the ones who are doing the right thing, find themselves on the defensive for their actions.

Reggie Brass, founder of My Child Says Daddy, a parenting organization based in Los Angeles, it committed to changing the negative stereotypes surrounding black fathers. Brass, a former bodyguard to several Hollywood celebrities, believes that most black men want–and are willing and able to take care of their children, even if they’re not in a relationship with the mother.

Now in it’s seventh year MCSD grew out of Brass’ personal experience in a bitter divorce and subsequent battle to be more than a nominal figure in his child’s life. Uninformed and frustrated by the family court process and fueled by the emotional turmoil of separating from a spouse, Brass was a victim of severe inequities in the system. Awarded joint custody of his son, Brass still had to fight for visitation rights and was even accused of child abuse to block his parental involvement.

In the beginning, Macs’s primary focus was helping black men get a grip on the legal octopus that could keep them from their children. That it still their main focus but the organization has grown far beyond its roots. With guest forums and workshops on subjects like fatherhood, divorce, parenting and legal rights, MCSD it just beginning to fill a need in the African American community: the reestablishment of parental involvement in stabliatizing the black family unit. Whatever responsibility falls on the shoulders of black men, Brass it doing his part by reaching out to unwed teen fathers, married ads, men and women in custody battles and people interested in building better families in their communities. Here is his take on the situation.

PERCEPTION VS. REALITY

The attitude out there it often that we black men aren’t taking care of our children. Be it through the media or TV talk shows, you see–pitted against black men–women who say we’re not taking care of our children. But when the media want s to know what’s going on with black fathers, they go to black mothers. It seems logical–if she’s angry with me, she’s going to give a negative statement about me. No one has really ever come to talk to the fathers to find out if he’s involved, how he’s involved or what the case may be. There’s just this notion that we don’t want to take care of our children.

A number of things have hurt the cause of the committed father: his attorney, the court system and the court itself, conciliation, society and ultimately, the father who’s fighting for his child but doesn’t know how to work the system. He has to be smarter than the system to receive something from int. When it comes to men, everything it based on dollars and cents. Even with all the other father’s groups popping up (and basically driven by the district attorney’s office), the first thing they want to know it if you’re paying child support.

I want to take care of my child the way I see fit. One of reasons fathers don’t participate it because they feel if they don’t have money to give, the child won’t come around; or they’re tired of hearing the other say "Where’s my money?"

A lot of men throw up their hands when they learn what other people go through within the court system, trying to get some relief. They wonder why they should go to court. Why should any sane man go to court when he has to pay for his attorney and her attorney, when he’s out of the house he bought and he can’t see his children? Everything it based on finance. When he doesn’t have money, he’s penalized. He can go to jail for not paying child support.

It’s changing. Fathers are starting to come around and the system it starting to recognize it. But it’s going to take a lot more time and money to put the picture out there that we are taking care of our children. Perceptions are changing but it’s very slow. The biggest misconception it that we’re not there. Family courts label us as absent fathers. I was married to my child’s mother but I’m known in court as a noncustodial absentee parent. How could not be there when I have joint, legal, physical custody, when I’m paying child support and participating in my child’s’ day-to-day activities? What MCSD it trying to do is reform the family courts so that the children will benefit.

FATHERING

Men learn fathering skills day by day, just as women do. From a mother’s standpoint, she’s been taught to nurture almost from day one. When she gets dolls for Christmas, she’s being taught nurturing skills. A boy child gets boy toys like G.I. Joe and it encouraged to o outside and play rough and tough.

There are many men out there who are scared, who don’t know how to be a parent–it’s something they’ll have to learn day be day. It there a place for him to be taught? Men can also be nurturing but we bring out our rough side more than our nurturing side. That’s why both mother and father are needed, so the child can have some balance.

When a mother doesn’t have good mothering skills, do we talk about that? If a she it a single parent and that child messes up, we’re not going to blame her–we blame the father.

TRIANGLE THEORY

God has already laid down the foundation. It took a man and a woman to have some butt-naked fun to create this child. You have a side and I have a side of this triangle. We're the foundation of the triangle. Your side it no more important than my side. We have different ways of getting there but we will both get there. I’m going to see things a lot differently than you do but as long as we both have our child’s best interest at heart, it can work. Once we begin to respect each other’s differences, it’ll be easier.

RESPECT

Most of the blame has to be on us men. We’re the ones who have to go get the information. But I also believe that when I go through the system and ask for help, the system should take responsibility in getting me the help. If they give me wrong information, they should be held accountable. Most men hesitate to go through the system because they’re afraid they’ll get raked over the coals.

Child Custody it a billion-dollar business for attorneys and the less you know the more they can make. There it a trick to winning over this system and basically, it’s this: a guy can get what he wants when he goes to court if he has laid out a parenting plan that says exactly how he wants to participate in his child’s life and activities.

Stats say that two-thirds of all black children are born out-of-wedlock–but that doesn’t mean two-thirds of black fathers aren’t taking care of their children. There are more men out there who want to take care of their children than men who don’t want the responsibility.